Appreciation

I read something the other day that I’m still thinking about.

I read that one of the world’s wealthiest men and his partner were disposing of some of his wealth through philanthropy.

Which, in itself, doesn’t surprise me.

It seems there is some innate part of a man that feels a need to justify his position in life, however the means.

But I wondered, as I read what I did, if I wasn’t picking up on something else.

Something that is universal to us all.

At first, when I read what I did, I was disgusted.

One of the donations from the above referenced couple landed in the 100 million dollar range, and was given to one who is purported to be one of the richest female country music stars.

“Come on,” I thought.

“Could you make it a little more visible next time?” (sarcastically)

And, incidentally, said country music star had just donated 100 million some months ago to humanity and the cure for their various diseases.

But, after I had simmered down a bit, I picked up again on that little noise underneath all the hubbub and the distraction of the big numbers that were being tossed around like so much confetti.

I saw in the billionaire, the same longing I see in myself.

He wished to be appreciated. 

And, perhaps being blindsided by his immense wealth, it seemed he thought he could buy it, or, make bargain of sorts.

But I don’t think appreciation can ever be traded for or purchased.

Nor do I think the value of it has ever changed, since, say, when two brothers got in a fight about whose offering was the soonest to be accepted, or appreciated, by the one to whom they were offering it to.

It gave me pause, then, to think of all the different kinds of currency men have tried to exchange for a bit of appreciation through the years.

I wonder how many jails, youth detention centers, or drug rehabilitation programs are populated by folks driven to desperation because this deep inner need was never satiated.

Because the need for appreciation seems to be at the crux of our makeup.

Like my friend Justin said, “I don’t care so much what kind of business deal I’m made; I just want to know they cared about me.”

And, like our billionaire brother of humanity, we reach beyond ourselves over and over in an attempt to prove to ourselves that we are appreciated.

I believe we owe it, as a prerogative duty to our fellowman, to take time to show our appreciation for the quality we see shining out of their lives.

It takes very little effort on our part, and it is guaranteed to make a lifetime of difference.

Fateful Evening

They are both tall, and, they both have blonde hair, and, they are both beautiful.

They both were here to teach our children in school.

One, about 4 hours from home, the other, a little over 14.

They asked Mama Jan and I and another couple to help them make supper for their youth group one evening.

Discata, if I remember right.

And, afterward, we sat around until it got dark.

Then, they brought these glow in the dark plastic bracelets out.

They divided into teams by color, and made their home base out of the same color of bracelets, all put together.

And they started running, trying to circle the other team’s base to capture them.

It was a happy time.

Until I heard a terrible scream.

And,  I saw those two, staggering, sometimes against each other, sometimes by themselves.

And, there was lots of blood.

We got them into the light, where we could see a little better.

They had been running around the house, both of them, in opposite directions, and met with extreme force at the corner, where they had no chance of seeing the other in time.

One had a deep gash under her lip, extending up into her cheek.

The other had a front tooth almost knocked out.

Mama Jan and I quickly made a plan.

She and the other couple would take the one whose teeth were knocked loose (and incidentally her niece) to see if there were any dentists who could help at that late hour.

I would take the other, whose face was cut, to an emergency room.

The young men in the group opened their wallets generously to meet the late night fees.

I went south about 30 miles, Mama Jan went east about 30 miles.

After that, we lost contact with each other due to meeting the needs of those we had with us.

A young man by the name of Bob, if I remember correctly, who was not even a physician, did a tremendous job of sewing up the girl I was with.  He was so careful, so gentle.

He said there would be nerve damage, as deep as her cut was, and that nerves take a long time to heal. 

The dentist told Mama Jan a similar story, only that reconstructive surgery would be needed for the girl she was with.

It took about two years for the girl with the gash to start feeling again, and about the same amount of time for the other girl to get her new teeth.

And I wonder, now, if there was more that could have been done, that evening, to help so it didn’t feel so bad, so lonely.

Because it had to have been, for those two girls.

Quick Fix

I fixed the guest bathroom stool today.

It took all of three minutes to get it fixed.

The thing had gone to honking, chirping, and humming in a rather obscene way at the most inopportune times.

It almost always happened when someone shut a faucet off quickly somewhere else in the house.

Sometimes it happened when we had guests in the house.

Sometimes, it spited us and made the noise when one of our guests was in there using it.

For a while, all it took was getting up from the chair we were sitting on, and flushing it.  (or embarrassedly telling our guest through the closed door how to stop it)

That worked, sometimes.

Sometimes, after I had flushed it, all would be quiet, until I had walked a few strides away; then it would chirp in the haughtiest way, stopping, once I had turned to flush it again.

Finally, it got bad enough that a trip downstairs, around the coffee bar, down the hallway to the storage room, (often, in the dark) through the storage room to the mechanical room, and a decent stretch across all the luggage that is stored under the manablock was required to shut the valve off to it entirely.

This worked.  Until we forgot to turn it back on.

And one of the sweet daughters used that restroom.

We were quicker to turn it back on after that.

We’ve probably made those trips to flush it, or shut the valve off downstairs for a couple of months now.

I fixed the guest bathroom stool today.

It took all of three minutes to get it fixed.

To Those Who Write

I hereby open a document in which much of what is written is not proven, or even very well thought out.

Writing, for the purpose of this post, will include any type of writing, whether columns, poems, songs, articles, maybe even sermons, and, blogs.

I’m suspicious there are more of us than we think. 

I’m quite certain that the reason we don’t know about more of us is because of something similar that we all face.

That is, lack of confidence, or lack of courage to share what we have written.

And that is okay. 

Not everything you write needs to be published or shared.

I would like for what I write next to be an encouragement to those who write. 

There.  Now that I’ve sufficiently prattled on for seven lines, I got my main point out in the open. 

Which, I’m guessing, probably isn’t the right way to do it.

A writer is a noticer.

You may not think of yourself as such, but you are.  Some of us notice tangible things; some notice emotions, or the change of them.  Some notice the way a phrase says itself to you in a lovely way. 

You won’t or can’t have anything to write about if you haven’t first noticed it. 

And, you won’t write about it if you chew yourself out for being stupid and dumb for the way you are; if you compare yourself to someone who doesn’t write and call yourself weak or unstable. 

Not everyone is a writer.  Not everyone is a noticer.

Some are doers; some are leaders.  These folks are steady and stable.  Their lives consist of normalcy and regular diets.  Kudos to them, but, kudos to yourself since you aren’t like them.  Not being like them is why you write.

You need to have a place where you are comfortable jotting down random thoughts or ideas that you might write on later. 

You don’t need to share that place with anyone, and it’s perfectly okay to delete its entire contents from time to time.  As long as you start filling it back up immediately.

Write for yourself, first of all.  Write everything you want to, and as fast as you need to.  You can pare it down later when you go in and delete whole paragraphs, or verses, in one fell swoop.  When you don’t hold on to little sentences or lines here and there for dear life, but rather blow the whole thing off indicates you are willing for the big picture to be better; you haven’t succumbed to tunnel vision of one spot or phrase that seems so ‘special’ or unique to you.  And do you know what?  That’s a sign you might be a writer. 

Don’t write for the numbers.  I know, I know.  We all are human, and the numbers have a way of tugging at us.  But don’t write for them.  If you do, your stuff will soon take on whatever flavor you think the numbers want, and, it won’t be you, in the end.  Which is nothing short of a travesty.

I used to watch the numbers; tried to figure out what I needed to do to get it right based on the number’s feedback.  I found that when something went viral, it bothered me just as much as when it sank, with hardly a ripple, in silent death.  I choose not to know, today, how many or few will read this.  Because I’m writing for myself, first of all.

Next, write for a friend, or friends.  But don’t tell them you are writing for them.  That will bring the same pressure on as the numbers do. 

Pour yourself out in your writing.  Don’t worry about being politically correct.  Don’t make yourself find a moral or allegory for every piece you write.  It’s okay to write about the slice of life that is being served up, just as it is, to yourself on any given day. 

If you try to make it all so correct, then the folks who end up reading your stuff will be disappointed.

Because you know what?  We like to see ourselves, the dirtiest and the best, in what someone else writes.  We get a subconscious feeling that since they cared enough to write about their mistakes and good times, that, indirectly, they care about us. 

If it’s all so perfectly framed, that feeling of care is left for something that might pass every writing criteria, but is vegetarian at best. 

Every time you write, you volunteer to do so. 

Which is super. 

I’m proud of you for doing so. 

But volunteering starts and sounds a bit like vulnerable.  Don’t be surprised if your basic humanity will scream at you, just like mine is screaming at me right now, about how off course you are to mainstream humanity. 

But you know what?  Most of the time your basic humanity is governed by lies.  We need to be completely vulnerable to write at our best.

Writing, for you, at this point in life, is a necessity.  That doesn’t mean you have to maintain it for the rest of your life, or even the rest of the year. 

If you have dabbled in writing, you know that it is a sort of catharsis for you and your own wellbeing. 

Keep it up!  Definitely keep writing. 

And, don’t forget to encourage your fellow writers along the way, even if they have written years longer than you or are just starting out.  Every writer I know hits the vulnerability spot at some point or another, and, probably more often than not.  You, as a fellow writer, know exactly what that moment feels like. 

There are a number of good reasons to publish, should you choose to.  

One being that some of us like reading other people’s stuff, and how else can we unless they share it publicly.

Here are a several thoughts, should you publish.

Grammar, and proper sentence structure definitely make for easier reading.  But don’t expect to get it all right, every time.  It seems like after about so long, you sort of catch your stride, or get a feel for what seems right, even if you, like me, haven’t done the proper study to know what is actually right. 

The second area that you will grow into is your style.  Don’t castigate yourself for repeated ways of doing things.  This is your style.  It never hurts to be open minded about new ways of doing things, but your way is your way, and we read you for exactly that.

Another thing to keep in mind, should you wish to publish, is when. 

Don’t make the mistake I made. 

I blonded it totally. 

I was so enthused with what I had written (this personal enthusiasm is perfectly okay, by the way) that, after proofing it, I popped it right out there, and then realized I had a church meeting I was supposed to be at that evening.  It would have been better to publish after the meeting, to give a new project like mine, and yours, time to settle so you don’t come away with such a hot face.

*****

For the non-writer.

If any of you have read this far is nothing short of amazing.

Would you allow me to jump on my soapbox for a bit? 

Was that a resounding no, or grudging yes?

I don’t wish to misrepresent the Holy Writ in any way, but I think there is a certain area that some of us have been assigning the wrong definition to for some time.

It’s where it talks about the man who was going on a long journey, and he gave some of his ‘talents’ to servants.

It seems to me that he was handing out responsibilities, not abilities, there. 

I mean, face it.  If anyone had someone walk up to them and offer them some ability, (or talent like we tend to use the word) and that ability being exactly what they had wanted to be all their life, would you see them walking away, or taking it and hiding it? 

On the other hand, if someone walked up to you and handed you some responsibility to top off what you were already carrying, I can see why you might act like those folks did.

So let’s set the matter straight.  A writer has abilities you don’t have.  You have abilities a writer doesn’t have. 

And it seems to me that by the end of each of our lives, we each have been afforded equal opportunities to use our unique abilities to touch other people’s lives. 

Some do it with writing.

Some serve the most soul warming meals.

Some have a knack for rolling in the dough, and then just as quickly, they roll it back out to help others.

A writer would much rather hear how what they wrote made you feel than some corny remark about talents or abilities.  When you go on and on about how a writer has such great abilities, it actually encourages the writer to shut down; that kind of exposure is very negative.

But a quiet word, or short message of thanks does just the opposite, whether we or cook, or preach, or work in hospitals, or in nursing homes or . . . Do you get it?

I think we all need to purge that talent word from our vocabulary, whether we are writers or not.

Hmm.

I think I got off course somewhere and can’t think of a suitable way to wrap this up. It may be that I got off my soapbox on the opposite side of the one I climbed onto it.

What’s in a Prayer?

I pondered that question all day after I received a message that, from 6-9 in the evening, or somewhere thereabouts, we should pray for rain. 

We had been excessively dry; some of us hadn’t seen more than an inch of precipitation in the last year.

My mind went back to all the different kinds of prayers I had prayed.

I remembered the time when the pond bank I was walking into the water on suddenly gave way, and I was in over my head.  Literally.  I didn’t know how to swim, and as I began to suffocate in the brown, muddy water, I called out, with all that was in me, for a rescue.  I didn’t make a fancy prayer of it that day.  Nor did I start it or end it in the normal fashion.  In fact, as I bobbed up fewer times than I bobbed down, and my vision started to fade, I really didn’t pronounce any words at all.  At that moment, it became a heart language that screamed out a plea for life. 

Life came in the form of a quarter inch size twig hanging down from the trees surrounding the pond.  My immediate reaction was that it would never hold me, but the One I was begging for life from said, “Just get hold of it, and keep all of your body underwater except your face.”  And it worked.  Because the water took care of holding up my body then, and my face was all that twig had to support.  After a few moments, wherein I chewed up the air around me in great shuddering gasps, I was able to find footing and get myself out of there.

I thought of the prayers we prayed while at the bedside of my good wife’s dad, who had coded twice already.  Prayers of desperation, to be sure, but in this case, vesting what confidence we could in the doctors together with the one we were praying to. 

My prayers didn’t take a long time, in either of those situations.  Neither were they thought out very well.  You don’t spend a lot of time deciding which hand you grab for help in those situations.

I thought back to a couple of prayer meetings I attended as a young person.  One specifically where we all knelt, and anyone could pray.  What I remember most about that meeting, is that the individual prayers didn’t have ‘Amen’ said after them.  It was added at the end in the last prayer prayed by a previously designated person.  In a way, it seemed like we had prayed a long, 30-45 minute prayer that night, spoken by different people, but all one prayer nontheless, with that final Amen.

I remembered the prayers and the feeling of them when I had prayed them, some 10 years ago.  We were experiencing a drought much like we are now.  I remember seeing thunderheads building, just a few miles east of our place it seemed, and I remember how frustrated my prayers were, as I watched when those thunderheads moved away, to the east, every time.  I think, probably due to my lack of faith? maturity? I finally gave up praying, as sort of a silent treatment against the one I was praying to.

I thought of prayers I have prayed, off and on, over the years.  Prayers that, today, still don’t have answers.

I thought of a man, a few thousand years ago, who built an altar to communicate with the one who had been withholding the rain from their land for the previous three years.  I thought of the false prophets who also built an altar, and how they prayed too, but their prayers weren’t answered, and this one man’s prayer was.

And so, it was against this backdrop that I pondered what kind of prayer I would or should pray that evening.

The way I figured, it could go either way.  A group of prayers could be answered as one, or, a single prayer could touch the throne just as easily, and we’d have rain.

But then, another thought fluttered in from somewhere above me, like a bright colored leaf spinning its way down.

Maybe, there isn’t a right or wrong way to pray. 

And, to conclude we know how or why a prayer was or wasn’t answered seems quite presumptuous indeed, when compared to the thoughts of the One who hears our prayers.

And then, another thought fluttered down. 

Maybe, since love is something I deeply appreciate, when shown to me, maybe, then, since God is love, He gets and likes a little of the same feeling as I get when someone loves me, if I choose to give my love to Him.

Then it seemed simple.

Prayers could be a channel for me to send love to God. 

Not every time, obviously, because sometimes, when you are drowning in a muddy pond, you can’t think about love properly.

But on a day when I had time to think about it, I suddenly found myself wanting to pray, to send my love to the One who has been with me all along, whether it rains or not.

10 Minutes

If those ten minutes had played out differently, his name probably wouldn’t be catalogued in public libraries.

Neither would his writing style be studied by fledgling authors, some of whom study at the most prestigious universities.

He claimed his writing wasn’t what he was good at.

He did it, he said, because he had to.

And so, he followed the stories, wherever they took him, so he could fulfill his duty to the newspapers and magazines he wrote for.

He ended up rooming with his brother in Nevada, and for a while he gave up the trade of wordsmithing for mining silver, some 500 feet below the floor of the offices where he used to pen his stories.

The fates smiled on them; one day his brother happened down a mine shaft of which the first several hundred feet were claimed by another entity.

Beyond where the claim ended, though, his brother saw a sight that nearly paralyzed him. 

There, right in front of him, was the richest vein of silver he had ever seen.

He hurried back to the claim office with all the speed he could muster to file his claim on that section.  Needless to say, when the front shaft owners found out what was done, although completely legal, feelings became evident.  But they had to give it up, the claim was filed, and that was that.

The excitement of it kept the two brothers up for nights on end as they talked in rabid joy of their coming wealth and the splendor they could take advantage of. 

They made plans, ad infinitum, of whose debts they would pay off; whose lives they could enrich by helping out, here and there.

The soon to be millionaires were invited to a party in a neighboring town.  The party went well; so well in fact, that it was late before the one whose name we know so well set out, on foot for the nine-mile trip home.

And it was in the last few hundred feet that realization dawned on him with sickening insight. 

On the day they were to take possession of their claim, like it was for anyone taking possession, a person of their firm had to be on site, standing at the claim, when midnight struck.

He was a few hundred feet from town, and his claim, when he realized it was 10 minutes after twelve. 

He rushed to the claim to restake it, but it was of no use.  The front shaft owners were standing there, and had already claimed it.

His name was Samuel Clemens, or as we know him better, Mark Twain.

And so, he went back to writing. 

And if I must surmise anything, my guess is that should he have been on time, and claimed his millions, there would have been no need to write the now classic books and articles we read from him.

Because it seems that as wealth and good times smile upon a person, they soon fill up any need for the people in such a position to reach deep, and to find those things within themselves that sometimes surprise them, and the rest of the world, for that matter.

Dear K1, K2, and K3

May 6, 2023.

It’s a normal day for some people.

It’s a sad day for some people.

And it’s a happy day for 3 girls who have successfully finished another year of school.

Perhaps even happier for you, K3, because you graduate from school.

If I were there, I’d give each of you a hug, even though I know one of you wouldn’t like it.

I would wish each of you the best, and, whatever else you say on last day of school programs and graduations.

I used to be a huge fan of graduation addresses. 

I saved little snippets from some of the ones I liked the best.

And some day, I figured, I’d give a graduation address that would include them.

And people would come up to me later and say what a wonderful graduation speech it was.

But you know what?

I still save the snippets.  But I don’t plan to ever use them in a graduation address.

You know why?

Because the ones who are graduating aren’t listening anyway. 

I sure wasn’t, when I graduated. I can’t begin to tell you what, or who, talked about. 

So, I’m not sure what graduation addresses are for, except maybe for folks like me who like to listen to them, for the little snippets I can store away and read again some later day.

But.

If I were there, and if I said anything, I’d say this.

I’d say, thank you.

For being kind to my daughter.

For serving so many good meals to her.

For being her friend.

For loving her.

I’d tell you what it meant to me, to be able to get to know you.

I’d tell you how much I enjoyed your letters; how I saved them and read them over again later.

I’d tell you how much I appreciated that time I got to be in Sunday School with you.  (Did I talk too much?)

I’d tell you that you will never go wrong to love animals the way you do.

Or that you will never stop seeing beautiful things, as long as you have a mind to look for them.

I’d go see the goats with you, one last time.

And, I’d like to be at your house for supper again.

Maybe, if I were lucky, your mom would make those wonderful beans she makes, and we’d have ice cream and chocolate sauce for desert. 

I wonder if you could send that chocolate sauce recipe home with Lexi?

And.  Now that it’s nicer weather, I’d take you to a park and show you how to play disc golf.

The last thing I would tell you is, I would make you promise to come to Kansas, to see me, of course, or Lexi, if you like her better, which I know you do.  (I like her better than me to.)

*****

Our lives will never be the same, will they, since our paths came together and ran parallel for a little while.

And I like to think that in a way, our paths won’t grow so far apart, even though lots of miles separate us. 

Anyways.

Maybe this is enough for now. 

Till next time . . .

No Post

My fingers slide over the keys and find their familiar places. 

I look to the lower left-hand corner of the computer screen and see I have enough battery to type for quite a while.

I realize this is the first time that, yesterday, I purposely did not finish a post called, “Energy Drinks,” or “What’s in a Prayer,” or begin on something titled differently.

Because, while I knew what I wanted to write in those posts, I didn’t find the same enthusiasm I normally do.

Does this mean the beginning of the end? 

I don’t know.  I wish not. 

I have thoroughly enjoyed thinking about, planning, as the week goes along, and then finally writing on concepts, ideas, or nonsense.

Anyway, wishing each of you a good day, filled with brightness and enough joy to keep a little tune running through your mind.

Good morning.

Quiet

She was antsy, and didn’t know what to do with herself.

She kept wringing her tail like they always do when they are nervous.

Her still wet, newborn little calf lay shaking at her feet, eyes blinking rapidly at what had to be the most blinding light.

She was a new mama, and I was standing by to see how things would go with her and her little one.

Every so often, she would lower her head and bellow right in her little baby’s ears.  Then she would rear up, a few inches off the ground and bounce her feet down, right by her little one. 

I figured she was trying to urge it to its feet, and, soon, that is what it tried to do. 

Slowly, and very shakily, it raised up on its hind legs, swaying from side to side as it made efforts to adapt to the strange new world all around it. 

But it was too weak, and it fell back to the ground.  In a few minutes it tried again, and this time, made it all the way up. 

Her mom cheered for her, or so I thought, with a huge bellow and prancing feet.  But then, she lowered her head and butted the poor little one right over. 

This might not have been so bad, had the little one been on level ground.  But it was on a side slope, and, in tall grass, and, in a small village of badger holes. 

It was on the second time up, and second time butted down, this time with one of its front legs fully down one of those holes, that I took matters into my own hands.

Literally. 

I jumped off my four-wheeler and ran to the little one, scooping her up in my arms.

My intention was to get her away from all those badger holes and on a more level surface so she could try again.

But I didn’t get that far.  Evidently my intervention was the catalyst that made the new mama, a mama for real, and she came, bellowing and at a very high rate of speed, to her little girl’s defense.

Whereupon, I decided we had made it far enough away from the badger town and quickly set the little one in my arms down, as gently as possible, and made a speedy exit. 

I checked back in on them later, and saw the thing that always amazes me. 

The little calf and her mom were now hundreds of yards from where it had been born, and now, like every other time, I saw her mom gently nuzzling it down into a tiny little black ball. 

It was in tall enough vegetation that if I hadn’t known it was there and was driving by, I more than likely would have missed it. 

I hung around to see if what I knew had happened other times would happen again. 

And it did. 

Mama, seeing that her little one was settled, left for a drink of water, which was a half mile away. 

I don’t know what those mama’s tell their little ones when they bed them down like that, but whatever it is, it sticks.

That little girl stayed put, exactly where her mom had told her to stay. 

She was nothing more than a tiny, little black blurb out there, where the wind was kicking along at better than 40 m.p.h.

I watched her nap a little, then wake up, and gaze serenely about, even though, by now, her mom was nowhere in sight.

I waited a bit until I saw, way off, mom coming back our way.  Our pasture ground is cut up with little zigs and zags in the fence line, and, we are currently grazing off some milo stocks just next to the pasture.

This little girl was in the milo stocks and dust; mom had missed her turn back at the start, and was on the other side of the fence, in the pasture, a good 300 feet from her little calf, once she pulled up even with us. 

Had the calf been older than just a day and a half, and the wind been less than a howling gale, I probably would have let mom call her over, and all would have been fine.  It might have been anyway. 

Instead, I got off my four-wheeler and walked right up to the little one.  I knew I could, because I knew whatever mom had told her before she left would keep the little one planted there, regardless. 

The little girl looked up at me as I approached, never flinching, never batting an eye.  She watched me all the way in and curled into my arms as I picked her up, and carried her the 300 feet to the fence. 

We were a long way downwind from mama, and I know a cow’s eyesight is second to their nose.  I could see her looking back and forth and not seeing what she wanted. 

But as she got closer, I put the little girl down and nudged her under the fence.  I was staying on my side this time; I didn’t want to put in a 100-yard dash yet this late in the day.

Mama caught sight, circled wide around and downwind of us, keeping her eye on us the whole time.  As soon as she caught her little one’s scent she rushed in and claimed her. 

*****

Today, that little one is several days old, and there is no way I can get close enough to pick her up anymore.  She’s not so helpless, and has enough stamina to stay up with the rest. 

It seems to me, somehow, that if we could do a little bit like that calf when we are in a situation that has all help out of sight, sort of sit quiet, if you will, having confidence that the one we can’t see, knows all about us and will be back momentarily, that in the meantime there are faithful ones standing by, keeping watch until he does, we might encounter a lot less stress and heartache.

Feeling For, Feeling With, Felt For

Part 2

If sympathy is like wildflowers along the side of the road, then empathy is like the sunset.

Empathy is communication that involves an exchange of emotion.

Everyone desires, and deserves, to be validated at their most vulnerable level.

Tears don’t mean I have connected.

Too much soap streaks the floor.

Never censor those who are experiencing loss. 

Blended snapshot.

*****

So how is that for a start?

And, the question that will be the most telling, will it all come together?

Probably not.  I realized when I started writing on this subject that I needed a lot more letters behind my name than what are currently there. 

I also realized, that to do it justice, it needs the space of several months to cogitate on, gather copious notes and references, and then, and only then, could one sit down and write with confidence. 

But, then I remembered the little thing I wrote when I started this blog a year and a half ago—‘Homemade, Homegrown, and a little Homespun,’ and I relaxed.

Because, basically, that’s all I am, so that’s all I can write.

Now, with all that out of the way, let’s look at each of the first seven lines individually.

*****

If sympathy is like wildflowers along the side of the road, then empathy is like the sunset.

You and I both know what it’s like to be traveling along and suddenly come upon a vibrant patch of wildflowers, either in the ditch, or up on the hills along the road.  We marvel at them as we whiz by, or, maybe we’ll slow down, pull to the side of the road, and get out to walk among them. 

Several things are certain about those wildflowers.  They fling their beauty upon us unconsciously, but, while we marvel at their intricacy, we also know that tomorrow, they will be past their prime and faded somewhat.  The jolt of happiness they give us is full currency, and, even though momentary, we bask in the memory of their beauty as we drive on.  (Me!  I can’t believe they thought of me!)  So it is with sympathy.  Don’t discredit it just because it comes in smaller or one-time doses, because, almost always, those small doses somehow happen upon us at just the right time. 

The sunset, on the other hand, yields much more than the wildflowers.  As I work around in the yard, I often glance towards it.  Each time I look, there is something different to see and absorb.  The many different facets stay there for a number of hours; it has deep quiet strength to it.  It is there every time I look up and towards it.  It lasts much longer than the wildflowers, and becomes a part of me and my evening.  It provides a sense of time and place.  It settles the disturbing things in my mind that I can’t come to grips with.  It somehow validates my existence and reason for living. 

I think it does all this because my emotions and that of the One who created the sunset come together in those hours. 

(I use sunset, because that is what touches me; you may use something else that is equal in your mind.)

Empathy is communication that involves an exchange of emotion.

It seems there is no other way to communicate on an empathic level.  We connect with what someone else is going through by experiencing a part of it ourselves.  The way we experience it is to allow our emotions to reach out to them.  If they are speaking in anger of what they feel, we let ourselves become angry with them.  We don’t urge them on to more anger, sadness, criticalness, grief, whatever they are expressing, with our own. 

We recognize that neutrality is a huge enemy of empathy and a real pushdown to the one we are with.  If we are so careful to be neutral, it may say several things about us.  It may point to fear within ourselves that we aren’t willing to address.  It may point to a certain form of pride where I wish to be seen as a healer/caregiver for the social advantage it gives me. 

Empathy often connects unseen and does its work quietly.  It bears the reproach of the one we are with.  It takes upon ourselves some of their emotion, because we allow our emotion to become involved. 

Some may worry that if they show too much of their own emotion together with the emotion shown by the grieving one, it will become a runaway train to destruction in the form of bad attitudes gendered, or habits encouraged or formed. 

Not so.  True empathy has a healing quality about it called confidence.  It gives enough confidence to the hurting one, by feeling with them, that they don’t wish to stay where they are.  It’s one of God’s miracles. 

Almost always, the emotions that seem the most truculent, find a place for themselves once the original grief or loss begins to heal.   

Everyone desires, and deserves, to be validated at their most vulnerable level.

I wonder, if statistics were to be found, how many violent acts, how much self-medicating, how much simmering anger and desperate despair all stem from a lack of validation.

Because it seems, that most heartaches, most failure, and any loss is not bearable by one person only. 

We are not made strong enough to be able to.   We never have been. 

Validation, more than just an ‘I’m sorry,’ comes in the form of listening the story out to the end.  It comes in the words, “I believe you, I can completely get it, even if I don’t understand it.”   It also means that I purposely reach back into my own life, to the troubles I have experienced, and, as distasteful as it is, I go through them again to see if there is something in them to hold out as help to the one I am listening to.  I become vulnerable with them in this way.

Validation gives the merest glimmer, or a giant ray of hope to someone who thought they were the only ones enduring what they were enduring. 

Minimizing, or mentally checking off the person telling their story is disastrous.  In many instances, it has taken every scrap of courage they had to start telling their story in the first place. 

Validation doesn’t seek revenge for the one wronged; but it stands in between that person and something that could ultimately be their end.

Tears don’t mean I have connected.

Please don’t make the same mistake I made.  It seemed I went through a time when I made efforts to listen to the stories of those who were hurting.  Somehow, I thought that once I saw tears flowing, we had reached a common ground. 

I am terribly dismayed to think back and realize that I was responsible, more often than not, for those tears.  I chose questions that led deeper into that person’s hurt. 

Of course, if the person we are visiting with wants to go deeper on their own, we should never try to steer them away. 

And, it is often tears will flow; just be careful and intuitive in listening, rather than prodding.

Too much soap streaks the floor.

At least it does at our house.  I can always tell when I have mixed in too much because when the floor dries, it leaves behind a filmy streak where I swished the mop.

Sometimes, because of the awkwardness of the situation, or, our own nervousness, we gush on and on about how bad it must be to have experienced the loss.  This is completely counterintuitive.  Really, we are serving no one but ourselves in that moment; our words do no good to the listener, but they leave us with a false sense of being an ‘encouragement’ albeit in a reverse sort of way.

Public services aren’t the only place to visit with those grieving.  In fact, a good visit can rarely be made to happen in such places.  The person grieving is a survivor.  They made it to that service, in some cases, by sheer grit, because it was the last thing they wanted to do.  A quiet encouragement as we pull up alongside the person, commending them on their presence there, or on how brave they are, will give enough time to feel them out as to whether they want to talk more or not. 

Empathy doesn’t seek public attention to prove its value, neither does it need to be overdone.

Never censor those who are experiencing loss. 

I remember very well, standing outside of the school building the evening before my eighth-grade student’s funeral, his death being only five or so days after graduation, and hearing his Grandpa say, “We never censor those who are going through a time of loss.” 

He went on to say that grief, or loss, affects us all differently.  It often brings about its own stress that bears down upon us.  Since each situation is different, we ourselves don’t know how we will respond to it. 

I’ve seen friends that have gone from non-singers to voracious singers during their time of healing. 

I’ve seen friends get extremely chatty at times when you didn’t expect it.

I’ve had friends go dark and reticent. 

I’ve seen friends who seemed to lose all hope.

I’ve had friends lose ground spiritually.

Whatever the situation, as my grandpa friend told me, this is never the time to tell them to ‘snap out of it,’ or add to their already seemingly heavy burden with concerns.

Blended snapshot.

One of the larger fears someone dealing with loss faces is, ‘I’ll be left behind; they will forget my loved one, or whatever loss it is I am facing.’

One of the main jobs of an empathizer is to take a figurative snapshot of where our friend who is dealing with loss is now, and take another figurative snapshot of where we see them when they have come through the worst of their hard time. 

We take those two snapshots and blend them into one.  The blended picture is far more likely to be the real picture when the worst is past. 

It is our job to hold that blended picture up to our friend.  Not as an assignment, nor as a challenge, but as reality. 

It is also our job to stand by, during the long hours and days that follow as our friend works through their hard time. 

We stand by consistently.  Doing so assures them that we have not forgotten about them or their loss; that the memory of their loss is important, not only to them, but to us also. 

We don’t do the work for them; this encourages stunted growth.  Neither do we make too much of their situation.  Our constant acquaintance with the situation is often care enough, and validates to the suffering one that they are truly experiencing a loss, and, they truly have a friend.

It’s okay to set a schedule on your calendar for checking in.  It’s also okay to create a prayer list.  Both are not as academic as they seem.  The damage of letting time slip by, and it does in our busy world, is great to the one enduring a slower pace of life due to their loss.

Like the sunset, we linger nearby with a gentle influence of better things over the course time we spend together.

*****

I’m sorry this got so long.  I considered splitting it, but finally decided it might digest better as one rather than two. 

There is a little something I may write yet, on the Felt For part, we’ll see.