All are good, even necessary.

All can detract, if not practiced thoughtfully.

(General disclaimer.  I’ve tried to write on this subject at least twice in the past few years.  None of it ever felt like it got finished, and, I don’t claim any knowledge of this subject, having done very little if any research on it.)

Let’s start with Feeling For.

The proper name for this is sympathy. 

Sympathy is a very useful communicator of our feelings; it is often used long distance, or, if I am not intimately acquainted with you. 

I hear about your tragedy, or grief.  I sigh a prayer.  I see a GoFundMe account with your name on it.  I donate.  Or, I look for a card the next time I’m in town, buy it, sign it with a general condolence, and send it your way.  I feel for you, and I wish to express it, probably for your sake, but maybe just as much for mine. 

Because there is something about responding to grief and sorrow, even when we are not closely related, that heals our own self and helps us understand better the baggage we ourselves may carry.

Sympathy, thoughtfully expressed, is a little ray of light in darkness for those currently living there.  It comes in on a whisper, stays a little while, does it’s work, and just as quietly steals away to help someone else.

Are there ways that we make sympathy less effective or more effective?

I think so.

Don’t—

Buy a card on a whim because everyone else is doing it.  Such is sympathy, but shallow.

Send a message in the immediate hours following a loss.  The recipient won’t read it until later anyhow, or maybe not at all. 

Don’t include in your message, “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”  That is empathy’s (feeling with) job.

Don’t avoid someone you meet face to face that is enduring sorrow.

Don’t gauge tears as a bad thing, and awkwardly say, “Well, guess I better get on with my day.”

Don’t, once the tears have stopped, keep standing around in silence or repeatedly asking, “Is there something I can do?” 

Do—

Think about your message.  Maybe all that comes to mind is the overused ‘Thinking of you.’  But, is there anything personal with that message?  How about, ‘I heard about your sorrow today.  I am so sad.’  (This mixes a little empathy with your sympathy, which is good.)  If your message seems like it isn’t put together very well, or seems clumsy, there is all the more likelihood it will be received and do what it is supposed to do more than one that is polished.

Stand by while the tears flow.

Tears aren’t a bad thing, nor are they something to be afraid of. 

Tears are communication.  Not necessarily with us, rather, often not.  They communicate an inner state of flux.  Stay around if tears start falling from the one you are talking with.  There is no need to feel awkward about them.  Once they have stopped, ask if there is something they want to talk about.  It may be they will, and just as likely they won’t.  It is perfectly fine if they don’t want to.  In which case, you did what sympathy was supposed to do by feeling for them during their cry session.  (At least I hope you felt for them.)

Now, it appears that I bit off more than I could chew, because this got longer than I expected, and I have one more thing I want to say yet. 

I personally don’t know of something more pleasant to receive, than when I find out someone thought about me.  Have you ever been at a funeral, and, as you watch the viewing line go past, you catch your breath and say to yourself, “I can’t believe they are here!”

And you try to decide why they really are there, and, finally, you realize they must have come for you.  Something like this means so much to me, and it doesn’t have to be realized only at funerals. 

Now, switch to GoFundMe.  It’s a nice way to show sympathy, show you feel for the person named. 

Why then, if your donation is average sized, do so many people give anonymously?  Giving anonymously seems about the same as if you were going through the funeral viewing line and held up a 2 foot square piece of paper to the side of your face so no one could see who you are.

I think I understand, maybe, why people give anonymously.  Fake humility comes to mind, but I’ll try not to go there. 

But, I ask, why, by giving anonymously, would you deprive someone of that most basic care that says, “They thought of me.  Me!”

A little empathy should always be mixed with sympathy, just as a little sympathy should always be mixed with empathy.   

To summarize, Sympathy can be reserved for long distance, or a onetime little care packet of relief for the hurting one to discover and claim. 

*****

I dunno, this all seems more like a hodge podge toss salad and replete with stuff that shouldn’t have been said. 

If I don’t burn to deeply with ignominy, I’ll try to do the other parts of the title in another post(s).