Allow me to open my mouth, and perhaps regret it.

In fact, I know very little, if anything, about what comes next.

But, for the sake of employing my fingers, and perhaps with a remote possibility that it could benefit or cause looks of scorn and disgust, I’ll continue.

There are some things that a man needs to know, and if he doesn’t know them, life in that situation can become stormy. 

I’ll endeavor to write some of them down, based on what I have learned in the storm, and what I may have been taught.

DON’T—

Ever rifle through a woman’s purse.  Even if she is your wife.  Well, I suppose most wives would let their men look in their purse to find something they need.  But don’t look through it greedily, as some archeologist expecting to find treasure and hidden secret.  If you want to maintain the friendship you have with her, then consider a woman’s purse off limits.

Her phone falls into the same category.  And if you want to make it even worse?  Act stupid and dumb and weird while you are trying to scroll through her contacts and messages, or, for that matter, try to unlock it in the first place.  More than likely, any woman’s phone out there contains less objectionable or secret material than any man’s, but it puts a severe threat up against them if it looks like you may be snooping around on it. 

The same holds true for her bathroom, if she has one to herself.

Don’t ever play unfair jokes on a woman.  Unfair may need to be explained here.  Fair by a man’s standard is automatically unfair to a woman.  No ands, ifs, or buts.  Fair by a man’s standard says a half to full cup of ice water can be tossed against another man with no serious offense.  Not so for a woman.  Remember, since it’s fair that you can toss a half to full cup on another man, then that makes it okay for a woman to toss a like amount of ice water on you.  But if you are tossing water on a woman, 3 to 4 drops better be the max.  And don’t ever think you can toss even the smallest amount of water, say fairly cold water, over the shower onto a woman taking a shower.  Even though, just very recently, the sweet daughter had, not a half cup, or even a full cup, but almost a pitcher full of water and jagged, sharp ice cubes that she dumped over the shower, altogether with the blessing of her mother, upon a certain pudgy man taking a shower.  That was perfectly fair, it seemed.

Don’t make a woman always pick where to eat when you both are in town.  It’s true, we men think doing so is a favor, and it might be occasionally.  But if you always make her pick, she views you as lazy, shirking your place, not a man.

Don’t EVER tease her in public.  She can tease you; it’s her way of being coy, sassy, and genuinely woman.  But if you tease her, it makes for an unfair advantage you are employing against her, besides assaulting the gentle nature you love so much about her.

If you are a youth guy, don’t think you have done your duty by asking if the ladies have enough room in the back seat and hitching your seat way too far forward as a show of macho manliness.  If you have my sweet daughter in your ride, then don’t think you can impress her with fast, dangerous driving.  Don’t.  It won’t impress her or me both; it will derate your standing in any woman’s eyes when you try to impress them with your driving.  They aren’t impressed with good driving either, for that matter.  It’s a nonissue with them, but bad driving will kill your chances quicker than some other things.

Don’t try to make a woman with a less than happy attitude happy by excessive happy comments and quirky humor.  Unless you want to see a rolling pin headed your way.

Don’t give advice when a woman is telling you, whether dramatically, hysterically, or very emotionally, the story of her day.  Hold your tongue.

Don’t try to outwalk her on a walk. 

Don’t throw frogs, even if very gently, towards a woman.

Or mice.

Or snakes.

Or spiders.

Don’t buy her the most expensive gift every time.

Don’t forget her birthday, or the anniversary you share with her.

Above all, don’t order flowers for her, and tell the florist, “Just pick something out you think a woman would like.”

Don’t talk in too friendly of a way with another woman.

Don’t walk in front of, or behind her on your way from the car to the church building. 

Don’t make a scene out of it if she makes a mistake, or scratches your vehicle.  Even if it’s just the two of you, don’t permit yourself any unkind words. 

*****

DO—

Become interested in stores that have home styles and décor in them.

Express an honest opinion on which baby clothes you think look the nicest.

Play Scrabble, or the game of her choice with her, even if you lose every lasting time.

Take walks with her. 

Listen to her, even if it seems like she is going on and on about something that seems trite to you.  It isn’t to her. 

Give advice, but only when she starts asking questions about what all she has just told you, whether it was told dramatically, hysterically, or emotionally.

Hold her. 

Do something, such as fix the bed or something else that is normally her job, on the same day each week.  It gives her a needed, expected break.  Doing one of her tasks unexpectedly is great, but the time between the unexpected’s can get longer than you think.

Take her or the family out for a meal at least once a month.  She deserves a break.  If your finances can’t handle eating out, make the meal for her.  Yes.  You can do it.  And she will be fine with it even if it doesn’t turn out. 

Do have the boys, (if you have some) do the dishes on a regular day of the week.

Do buy her flowers; pick them out yourself and sign the card in front of the good smelling, hand covering her mouth to hide her smile, clerk.  (It is always wise to get the spelling and the message you plan to write figured out before you go into the store.)

Do pick out a piece of material for her, all by yourself.  The room will constrict around you, the temperature will feel like it’s soaring to mid triple digits, and you will be unsteady on your feet for some hours afterwards. 

Do tell her she is beautiful.

Do hold the door open for her, or any other woman you may chance to meet at the door.

Do keep a sharp eye on the hem of her dress.  She’ll be very glad if you tell her, her slip is showing before you ever leave the house.

Do walk on the sidewalk closest to the curb, sheltering her on the inside of the walk, in case something on the street should come undone.

Do spend the unexciting days with her rather than going off on some high-octane trip by yourself.

Do surprise her with a gift every now and again.

Do change the baby’s diaper on a regular basis. 

Do admit you are sick.

Do admit you need her help.

Do say sorry, and that it is your fault, even if you are quite sure she is the one to blame.

Do buy flowers for her after she has delivered each child she has carried for you.  It’s the least you can do.

Do take her shopping, once in a while, for as long as she wants to shop.  (She won’t spend rapaciously, contrary to what you think.)

Oh, and if you are a youth guy—

Give any girl, not just the sweet daughter, polite, and kind remarks.  They notice it, even if it seems like so small of a gesture.

*****

I suppose the list could go on, and I suppose if you were writing it, it would have different things, just as important or more so, in it.

Anyway, maybe enough is enough.